Leaping

This winter I turned a corner and allowed myself to embrace my visionary nature. I've had visionary experiences my entire life. I've known that, pondered it, been disturbed and intrigued especially about the premonitions and what they suggest about the nature of time, but not really embraced and allowed. And so I've denied myself conscious development and haven't let this fully express in the world. Most of these experiences fall somewhere on the range between common daydream or flash of intuition (like who's calling) and the grand, life-altering vision.

But all of them are meaningful. These days I long for more meaning. The pain and desire of sensing there's something more that is just out of my reach, has become unbearable. I feel I have no choice. I've done the rational thing. I have been my father's daughter. I have a career and have honed my intellect, applied my focus to a societal and institutional project. I can support myself and have a mostly functional personality and persona. But there's a part of my being that's received attention at the edges all these years with attendance at weekend workshops or brief toe-dips into book-lead investigations, but that now wants to develop into something fuller.

Taking this step means loosening the grip on control and letting myself transform. It means trusting and letting who I've become die a little to become someone new. This is a process and maybe my feet have just stepped over the thresh hold. Even this wouldn't have happened without a lot of encouragement from a creative counselor/teacher who provided the loving support I hadn't received before. And from my significant other with his unfailing belief in me.

So, during this winter time of going within and entering the silence, I finally gave in and let my rational brain just be there, without making it the final arbitrator. Two books have helped me take my vision by the hand and fly: The Practice of Ally Work by Jeffrey Raff, and Shamanism As a Spiritual Practice for Daily Life by Tom Cowan. I've resisted shamanism as a modern endeavor, but that was a mistake. I may never become someone who offers traditional services, but a lot of this comes naturally. And this year, I will search and feel and most of all listen for the best ways to use these abilities for the good. I strongly suspect from the visions mentioned above, this involves working with the landscape and its beings.